Doubt, Brokeness, and How God Uses These Things To Refine Us | You Are Not Alone, Part One

I don’t own the featured image.

Hello, friends! I hope you’re all doing well on this exceedingly warm September day. What have you guys been up to? It’s been a while 😅 Today I thought I’d address a more…difficult topic that I’m really praying will help a lot of you to feel less alone in your struggles.

Before I wrote this post, I had a selection of my online friends take an anonymous poll about their personal struggles, and I must say, I was *not* disappointed with how many responses I got (there were 41 in total!). It was also really eye opening to see what people struggle silently. The struggles varied, from porn to swearing to complaining, and yet they all had one thing in common; they all are a result of living on a fallen planet.

My dear readers, you are not alone in your struggles. Please don’t believe that you are. That’s a lie from the pit of hell. I wish I could give each of you a hug, and reassure you that things will get better, and that others struggle the same as you.


I began my poll with a simple question: Do you believe in God? Unsurprisingly, most people answered that yes, they did. I wasn’t shocked, due to these friends being from a Christian forum. There was, however, a small sliver of people who answered with maybe. 

I followed that up with a slightly less easy question (but still simple enough): Have you ever questioned your faith? This question got a much more diverse set of answers, ranging from yes, to no, to maybe, to I’m currently questioning it.

Let’s be honest; questioning God’s existence is taboo in the Christian community. It’s scary, and there aren’t many good resources for those who want to dig deeper. People are discouraged from asking the big scary questions about God, and we’re taught from a young age that God doesn’t like people who question Him.

It’s not a sin to question whether God is real or not. It’s a crucial part in growing in your faith, and in solidifying your beliefs. God does not hate you for questioning Him. He smiles softly at you, and allows you to question. He’s a gracious and loving Father Who does not condemn us for our unbelief. He knows that we are simply human, and that it is in our very DNA to ask questions.

Friend, do you personally believe in God? In Abba? In the Creator of the universe, Who knit the stars into formation and breathed breath into your lungs? Do you believe in Him? If you don’t, and you want to learn more about Him, please don’t hesitate to contact me through my contact form. I would be more than happy to talk about Him with you, and answer any questions you might have ❤

Please note that not all of the things on that list are sins. For example, it’s not sinful to be attracted to people of your same gender. It matters what you do with it, k? I know this from personal experience *hugs* (I’ll discuss this in a later post ;))

The second part of the poll was asking people which, out of a long list of things, they’ve struggled with. I had one friend inform me that after taking the poll, he felt humbled by the fact that he had checked off so many boxes. And honestly, he wasn’t wrong. I made myself take the poll, and I personally felt so small and…human after taking it. My brokenness was laid right in front of me on a checklist, and it hit hard that I had checked almost every single box.

I wanted this poll to impact the lives of others, but I didn’t expect it to impact my own. I felt slapped in the face by my brokenness, and was uncomfortably aware that I’m not perfect.


Friends, this is only the beginning of this series, and I’m praying that it impacts some of you. You all are loved, and things will get better. You’re not alone.

Let me know in the comments how I may pray for you all.

Ad Gloriam Dei.

the blooming diaries. volume 1. | learning to nourish my body, soul, and mind

*trigger warning: i do discuss eating disorders and mental illness a bit in this post

hello, friends! i hope you’re all doing well on this gorgeous spring day ❤ i’m not sure if any of you remember, but a while ago, i started something called the blooming project. shockingly, that little project has morphed into a mindset for me. everyday, i try to focus on blooming. and it’s been very therapeutic. i’ve learned so much about myself in the last few months, and i’ve become more and more like the person i want to become. 

because blooming is a continual process, though, i figured i’d start a new blog series about my blooming journey. i’ll be keeping you all updated on the little changes i’m making in my life. i hope this is a bit of an inspiration for you to start your own blooming journey (:


the last month or so, i’ve been making various decisions that have been changing, and improving, my lifestyle. some are small, such as attempting to lower my screen time (recently i’ve been failing at this, but it’s okay. there’s always tomorrow to try again). others are fairly significant, such as cutting out some of my friends who have been toxic for my faith. and some have been incredibly difficult, such as finally choosing to try to recover from my eating disorder (it’s still in the early stages, so i’m hoping my “diy recovery” will work). 

i’ve been attempting to be more gentle with myself, and have been paying attention to what my body and mind are telling me. i chose to not go to sleepaway camp this year, due to my mental health. i chose to be okay with sleeping in later, because of how bad my insomnia has gotten. i’ve unsubscribed to youtubers who i don’t want in my mind. i’ve made the decision to get a puppy, and to train it to eventually be my phyciatric service dog (currently the puppy is unborn :p but i’ll keep you all updated on it once it’s born). i’ve made the choice to take a test next year, that if i pass, would allow me to graduate high school at 16, and move on to other things i’m passionate about. i’ve been writing more of my novel (we’re at 22k words!). i’ve been doing more art, because i’ve found it to be therapeutic. 

something i’ve been reminding myself of lately, is that a caterpillar does not become a butterfly overnight. similarly, i’m not going to achieve my dream self overnight. it’s a continual process. despite what tiktok may lead you to believe, it’s not an overnight process to become “that girl”. also being “that girl” just isn’t the end goal for me. being someone who is gentle and loves the lord and takes care of herself is my end goal. 

a question that i’m working on asking myself daily is the question of “what today can i do to nourish my body? what can i do to nourish my soul? what can i do to nourish my mind?” ways i nourish my body are eating enough food (ie: not denying my body what it needs), doing skincare, and doing gentle workouts that don’t push my body too far. ways i nourish my soul are doing bible time, listening to worship music, and spending time with the lord. and ways i nourish my mind are doing art, watching studio ghibli films (ryan elizabeth and mya got me into them), and other forms of self care.

overall, i’m far from perfect. my self care methods are far from perfect. but i’m learning. i’m learning to become more like the person i want to be. 13 year old rue would admire me. 11 year old rue would admire me. and i just know that 70 year old rue is proud of me.


how have you been blooming lately? how are you all genuinely doing? let me know in the comments ❤

/ ad gloriam dei /

He Is Near To The Brokenhearted…Even In The Holiday Season

Hello, dears! I hope that you are all doing well, especially now that we are nearing the holiday season. I know that this is a difficult time of year for some, and I want to be mindful of that. I myself tend to struggle during this season, I get over excited and my anxiety skyrockets. It’s not the same as, say, dealing with PTSD or grief, but I can definitely sympathize. My heart goes out to each and every one of you who are struggling. You are all in my prayers. 

This post is mostly just a letter to those of you who are struggling with the onset of Thanksgiving and Christmas. I pray that the Lord will use my words to encourage someone who needs to hear them <3.

Dear Girl Who Is Struggling During The Holiday Season,

I’m not sure how to start this letter. I thought I would know how to, and then I didn’t. Truth be told, I’m scared of saying the wrong thing and hurting you even more. I am praying that the Lord would give me the right words to put on this page to encourage you.

The holidays are fast approaching, and with those most likely comes a sense of dread for you. The rest of the world is caught up in the hustle and bustle of Christmas, and you’re just wishing you could hide from it all. Maybe you’ve been just having a bad year, or maybe this time of year reminds you of one you lost. Maybe you’re breaking inside and don’t know how you can manage to paste a smile on your face for even another day, let alone an entire holiday season. Maybe you’re just up numb. Trust me, I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to be breaking when everyone else seems to be happy. 

It sucks.

I want you to understand something about Christmas. We humans have added a lot on to it. It started out as the birthday of a King who chose to humbly be born in a manger. A filthy feeding trough that animals ate out of. And then we chose to add on all this other stuff (Santa Claus, Christmas trees, twinkly lights, gifts, etc). That is not the essence of Christmas. Jesus is the essence of Christmas. And He doesn’t want anything more from you except your heart.

If you’re wondering if you can even hold on for another day, I want you to stop and take a deep breath. You don’t have to take part in all the extra stuff. You can just spend this holiday season focusing on Jesus. Maybe this is small, such as choosing to pray to Him throughout the day, or maybe it’s big, such as completely flipping your life around for Him. Cry out to Him, He will listen, and He cares. He is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18), He loves you with love that we cannot even begin to fathom. You don’t have to pretend with Him. You can come as you are, broken and lost, slowly dying inside. He won’t turn you away. He created you and looks at you with infinite love, He wants to help you and is calling out to you. Listen to Him. He adores you. 

My challenge for you this holiday season is to do just a few simple things. Break them up into little chunks if you need to. First, read the Christmas story and study it. There are plenty of free Bible reading plans online for this. Or, you can just read it without a plan. You can find the Christmas story in Luke 1-2 and Matthew 1-2. Second, focus on gratitude. Just write down something you’re grateful for each day. One thing. Third, listen to Christmas music that focuses more on Jesus and less on holidays. That’s it, three things. You can do that, okay?

There’s a song that was the inspiration for this blog post. It’s called Somewhere In Your Silent Night and it’s by Casting Crowns. It’s one of my favorite Christmas songs because it so accurately acknowledges the pain that so many of us are feeling at this time of year. To close this post out, I’m going to share the lyrics of it with you.

Somewhere In Your Silent Night

All is calm and all is bright

Everywhere but in your heart tonight

They’re singing carols of joy and peace

But you feel too far gone and too far out of reach

Somewhere in your silent night

Heaven hears the song your broken heart has cried

Hope is here, just lift your head

For love has come to find you

Somewhere in your silent night

From heaven’s height to manger low

There is no distance the Prince of Peace won’t go

From manger low to Calvary’s hill

When your pain runs deep

His love runs deeper still

He has always loved you, child

And He always will

Somewhere in your silent night

Heaven hears the song your broken heart has cried

Hope is here, just lift your head

For love has come to find you

Somewhere in your silent night

Lift your head

Lift your heart

Emmanuel will meet you where you are

He knows your hurt

He knows your name

And you’re the very reason that He came

Somewhere in your silent night

Heaven hears the song your broken heart has cried

Hope is here, just lift your head

For love has come to find you

Somewhere in your silent night

Love will find you

Love will find you

Love will find you

You can find the audio version of it on YouTube here. I am praying dearly that this post was able to bring encouragement to someone out there. God loves you and won’t ever leave you. Take care this holiday season <3.

If you enjoyed this post, please don’t forget that click like, leave a comment, and subscribe! Keep your eyes on Jesus, dears. 💛