What God taught me through the story of Israel and their kings

“No! But there shall be a king over us, that we may be like the other nations.” – 1 Samuel 8:19-20

I was eleven years old, and out of the blue, I was suddenly “in love”, struck with foreign feelings that felt stronger than anything I’d ever experienced before. I was convinced that he was The One, and I spent hours everyday daydreaming about our future together (despite the fact that we’d had a grand total of maybe 3 interactions.) 

But then something unexpected happened.

I moved on, to yet another guy who I thought was The One.

For the last five or so years, I’ve fallen in and out of “love” (I put quotation marks because, if we’re being honest, most of these boys were just temporary infatuations 😂), and everytime I found a new guy, I’ve thought he was The One. I’ve prayed nonstop for a boyfriend, and watched from the sidelines as my friends entered relationships. I’ve gotten mad, wondered if God loved my friends more than me, and coveted the kind of love that I read about in books.

I’ve even gone as far as throwing myself into meaningless relationships (well, I’m not sure if they count as actual relationships) that only last for a few weeks. Each one of these left me drained, and like a vulture, at the end of each of these, I scavenged for a new guy, desperate to feel loved. I’ve told countless guys I liked them, only to be told they didn’t feel the same way. I’ve looked for fulfillment in girls too– those led to less rejections, but more heartbreak, as I watched myself break God’s heart with every new girl I moved on to.

I read through my middle school journals now, and laugh. I have entire notebooks filled up with rambles about boys, boys that only stayed on my radar for a fragment of a moment. 

A few weeks ago, I was praying to God about a guy, and the prayer turned into more of a tantrum, and before I knew it, my heart was stomping it’s feet like some kind of bratty toddler, and I was almost mad at God. How could He give everyone fulfillment except for me?

It was then that I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit. The story of Israel searching for a king when their true King was right in front of them crossed my mind, and instantly I felt convicted. 

I’ve prayed countless times, “Lord, so-and-so has a boyfriend. why don’t i?”, just like I’m sure Israel said, “Lord, that country over there has a king. why don’t we?” 

I was Israel, and a boyfriend was my king.

And God? God is supposed to be my fulfillment. Yet, everytime He reminded me of that, I’ve shaken my head and insisted that I want a human to fulfill me. Just like Israel did.

Things have started making sense. The Lord has, over the years, given me my fair share of “kings:, and none of the fulfilled me. None of them left me with that magic feeling that books promised me. And just like Israel, none satisfied me. I kept moving on, trying to find The One.

And on that night, a few weeks ago, I felt God whispering to my heart that only He could be The One. Only He could fulfill me. Nothing else could bring me this contentment, this satisfaction.

He was my King, but I wanted to look everywhere but in Him.

This world will have its fair share of “kings”, but none will truly ever give me what I look for. It is only when I raise my eyes heavenward that I find what I search for.

What about you? Where have you been looking for fulfillment? Can you relate? Let me know in the comments ❤

Ad Gloriam Dei.

a bit of an apology/explanation post

*i don’t own the featured image

hello, friends! i’ll try to keep this post short, because it’s more of an explanation post than anything else.

in my most recent post, i made a…very brash statement that…the more i think about it, was wrong. when i first became convicted of this, i balked at the idea of actually apologizing and admitting i was wrong. rue needs to work on being more humble when she’s wrong 😅

so…in that post, i explicitly said i was no longer going to call myself a christian because of the toxic history behind that word. and well, after a discussion with my dad (who’s a pastor), i realized that what i was really trying to say is that i’m done with religion.

friends, religion is what the pharisees practiced. religion is simply a strict set of rules and rituals that you follow to “get into heaven”.

in lauren daigle’s losing my religion song, she sings about how religion has become an idol and that she’s abandoning the idea of religion in favor of a relationship with God.

at first glance, religion and relationship seem pretty similar. in fact, in the sense of christianity, they’re very similar. they involve the same rituals and holidays and…everything. the difference between them is the motivation. when people are christians for the religious aspect, it’s not real christianity. it’s just a way of living life in hopes of getting into heaven. but…friends, when people are christians for the relationship with the Maker of the stars, everything changes. 

one of my friends once told me to think of God like a friend. you want your friends to know you love them and care about them, right? why wouldn’t you do the same with Jesus?

i’m done boycotting the word “christian”. maybe i needed to look at it through a different lens. christianity isn’t the problem. religion is.

i have so much more i could say on this topic, but i promised i’d keep this short…so i guess i’ll save the rest of this for another post 😅 i really hope this cleared up some stuff. thank you all for sticking around for my ramblings *hugs* i love you all <33

why i no longer call myself a christian, and instead leave my relationship with Christ unlabled

*i don’t own the featured image

hello, readers! i hope you’re all doing well ❤ before any of you freak out about this post (because i know quite a few of you will get concerned), i’m still a Jesus follower. i’m just no longer placing my faith in a religion. i…i’ll explain in a second.

disclaimer: this post is not gonna be composed and clean and an easy read. this is a raw glimpse into my thoughts, almost like a journal entry. with that in mind, i would appreciate if you would enter into this post without judgement. i’m going to say some fairly controversial stuff that might hit you hard. i’m willing to discuss these topics in the comments, as long as it’s in a civil manner. if you post any hateful comments that are attacking anyone, i will delete those comments and potentially block you. i know we all have our political views that we feel very strongly about, but i’d request that for this you all just read without judgement.

i previously posted a shorter version of this on ydubs.

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this post has been on my heart for far too long. but…i was scared to post it. hate had polluted my heart and i knew that if i posted this, i would be saying all of this out of a place of sin. not out of a place of love. i’m praying that Abba gives me the right words to say. goodness knows i need all the wisdom i can get.

friends, im so sick of seeing christians be hypocritical. im so sick of seeing them make fun of people who they don’t agree with, and justifying it as humor. im so sick of constantly feeling like as contemporary christians, we’ve forgotten that christianity is, at it’s very roots, about love.

i was oblivious to this until the covid pandemic began. the christian community started boycotting masks, and saying that they needed their freedom. they said they were protected by God, and not a mask. the amount of times i’ve seen christians be unwilling to do something as small as wear a mask, even if it’s to keep a high risk person safe is…. heartbreaking. i’ve seen friendships destroyed over a small piece of cloth. i’ve watched people essentially give the government the middle finger with mesh masks that do almost nothing. i’ve watched people care more about their rights than about showing love to others.

and it hurts. it feels like the christian community has forgotten what the root of our religion is. when i hear christian, i think of trump, american flags, boycotting masks and vaccines, and hurting people. it’s funny how something as simple as following Jesus has become polluted by sin. now, mind you, i’m not saying it’s sinful to be a trump supporter or to be anti mask (those are things you have to take up with God and figure out what He says about them), but i am saying that those things turn sinful so quickly. only a few years ago, it was the left that was considered “ungodly”, but now i feel like the right has become equal with the left. 

you say you’re mad about progressive christians taking verses out of context and saying that God accepts homosexual love, and yet you ignore the verses about obeying the government unless they’re requiring you to sin, and about loving your neighbors. i have so much i could say about this topic, but i’m not going to. because, if we’re being completely honest, it would be sinful for me to keep talking about this. you want to know why? because i struggle with judging conservative christians. and i don’t want a post about the hate in the christian community to become a post where i’m growing the hate in my heart.

i’m gonna be real for a second; i’ve been hurt countless times by christians who care more about politics and what they think is right, than about their relationship with Yahweh. they justify hateful practices as being “their rights”. they give people the wrong picture of christianity. i’ve been told that it was a sin for me to have anxiety, i’ve been told that it’s sinful that i struggle with being attracted to girls…. i’ve been told so many things. and i…would Jesus say those things? He looked at so many broken people who were condemned by society, and He called them by their names and not by their sin. He looked at them with love. He didn’t judge. He didn’t tell them what they were doing wrong. instead, He picked up their broken pieces, and called them to follow Him. 

so when did christianity lose that as it’s very heart?

as i get older, and as i see how much hurt that so called “christians” have caused, i long to separate myself from the label of christian. i don’t want to be associated with all the bad. maybe instead i’m just… a weary traveler who loves Jesus and is on her way to the celestial city. i don’t want people to see me, and go “oh…she’s a member of that group that really hurt me.” i want people to see me, and understand that i love Jesus. i have so many friends who get triggered by christianity, because they’ve been abused in the name of Jesus. 

the bible says that people will know that we are Jesus followers by our fruit. not by our politics. not by our insisting on our rights. not on our harassing others who disagree with us.

i’m not gonna keep rambling…i know that this post alone will potentially cause debates, but im just…i guess that my challenge for you guys is to…think about what picture of Christ you’re portraying for non christians. are you showing them that christianity is all about politics and my rights my rights? or are you showing them that christianity is about one man Who dared to die a humiliating death in public, for you?

edit: the quote “He called them by their names and not by their sin” was paraphrased from a jarrid wilson quote.

Doubt, Brokeness, and How God Uses These Things To Refine Us | You Are Not Alone, Part One

I don’t own the featured image.

Hello, friends! I hope you’re all doing well on this exceedingly warm September day. What have you guys been up to? It’s been a while 😅 Today I thought I’d address a more…difficult topic that I’m really praying will help a lot of you to feel less alone in your struggles.

Before I wrote this post, I had a selection of my online friends take an anonymous poll about their personal struggles, and I must say, I was *not* disappointed with how many responses I got (there were 41 in total!). It was also really eye opening to see what people struggle silently. The struggles varied, from porn to swearing to complaining, and yet they all had one thing in common; they all are a result of living on a fallen planet.

My dear readers, you are not alone in your struggles. Please don’t believe that you are. That’s a lie from the pit of hell. I wish I could give each of you a hug, and reassure you that things will get better, and that others struggle the same as you.

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I began my poll with a simple question: Do you believe in God? Unsurprisingly, most people answered that yes, they did. I wasn’t shocked, due to these friends being from a Christian forum. There was, however, a small sliver of people who answered with maybe. 

I followed that up with a slightly less easy question (but still simple enough): Have you ever questioned your faith? This question got a much more diverse set of answers, ranging from yes, to no, to maybe, to I’m currently questioning it.

Let’s be honest; questioning God’s existence is taboo in the Christian community. It’s scary, and there aren’t many good resources for those who want to dig deeper. People are discouraged from asking the big scary questions about God, and we’re taught from a young age that God doesn’t like people who question Him.

It’s not a sin to question whether God is real or not. It’s a crucial part in growing in your faith, and in solidifying your beliefs. God does not hate you for questioning Him. He smiles softly at you, and allows you to question. He’s a gracious and loving Father Who does not condemn us for our unbelief. He knows that we are simply human, and that it is in our very DNA to ask questions.

Friend, do you personally believe in God? In Abba? In the Creator of the universe, Who knit the stars into formation and breathed breath into your lungs? Do you believe in Him? If you don’t, and you want to learn more about Him, please don’t hesitate to contact me through my contact form. I would be more than happy to talk about Him with you, and answer any questions you might have ❤

Please note that not all of the things on that list are sins. For example, it’s not sinful to be attracted to people of your same gender. It matters what you do with it, k? I know this from personal experience *hugs* (I’ll discuss this in a later post ;))

The second part of the poll was asking people which, out of a long list of things, they’ve struggled with. I had one friend inform me that after taking the poll, he felt humbled by the fact that he had checked off so many boxes. And honestly, he wasn’t wrong. I made myself take the poll, and I personally felt so small and…human after taking it. My brokenness was laid right in front of me on a checklist, and it hit hard that I had checked almost every single box.

I wanted this poll to impact the lives of others, but I didn’t expect it to impact my own. I felt slapped in the face by my brokenness, and was uncomfortably aware that I’m not perfect.

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Friends, this is only the beginning of this series, and I’m praying that it impacts some of you. You all are loved, and things will get better. You’re not alone.

Let me know in the comments how I may pray for you all.

Ad Gloriam Dei.

How To Start a Bible Time Routine as a Teenager

Hello, friends! I hope you’re all doing well (: It’s been a while since I’ve posted, hasn’t it? I mean, a lot’s happened. I finished 9th grade (which is so weird to think through), I got 33k words into my current WIP (which you can now find on Goodreads here), and spent a week at Joni & Friends. June is almost done, and that’s so weird to think through. I can’t believe that we’re already halfway done with the year; it feels like we just started 2022.

I developed a steady bible routine about a year and a half ago, and it’s been so therapeutic. My morning time with Jesus is like a calm in the middle of a storm; it prepares me for the day ahead of me, and overall just leaves me feeling refreshed. I honestly think that getting a consistent bible time routine is key to growing in your faith. Which is precisely why I’m posting on this topic. Please note that this is just my advice; you don’t have to follow what this post says to “be a good christian”, these are just some ideas to help you guys grow closer to the Lord.

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How To Start A Bible Time Routine

1. Choose a specific time of the day to have your bible time

I cannot stress this enough. Carve out a time each day, where you can be free from distractions, and set aside that time to be your Jesus time. For me, I like to have this time be in the morning, right after I eat breakfast. I want to get in the habit of doing an evening bible time as well though. Please keep in mind that there is no specific “best time” for doing your bible time; whenever you’re free is the best time, k?

2. Start out with connecting with God

Before I spend time in His word, I always try to make a point of connecting with the Lord, whether it’s through prayer or music. Sometimes I say a prayer, and sometimes I just play some worship music and try to meditate on His goodness. I highly recommend trying out something along the lines of that; it makes reading the bible feel so much more personal.

3. Choose a bible reading plan (or bible reading method)

As tempting as it may be to just turn to a random page in your bible, I highly recommend having a method for what you read. Little Faith Blog has some lovely bible plans that I just can’t recommend enough (: 

4. Read a chapter or 2 of a christian book

For me, once I finish doing my bible reading, I like to read a bit of whatever christian book I’m going through at the moment. Currently, I’m reading through Gentle & Lowly and Lies Young Women Believe. Reading through a christian book after doing my bible reading really helps me to focus on God a little more.

5. Add in a few other things that help you to praise the Lord

I also have quite a few things I like to add on to my bible time, to keep it from getting boring. It’s so easy to fall into a rut, and to have your bible time feel like a chore, which is precisely why I like to change things up on a regular basis. Some of my little things I like to add on include singing a hymn from my hymn book, crying out to Jesus, journaling, saying a prayer from my prayer book, worshiping God, and more. Mind you, I only do one or two of these things each day, but still… they’re really helpful for me to connect with my King.

6. Incorperate God throughout your day

A lot of christians tend to just do their bible time, and then proceed to go about their day without giving God any more attention. That works, I guess, if your relationship with God is just a chore and a religion. But, here’s the thing; being a christian isn’t just a religion. It’s a relationship. It’s a constant sort of thing, that requires daily sacrifice. Which is precisely why your time with God doesn’t end after your bible time. It’s an all day everyday sort of thing. I’m not saying you need to be legalistic about it, but I am saying that I would advise staying focused on God throughout your day, whether it’s through worship music, or whispered prayers throughout the day.

7. It’s okay if you end up not doing your bible time everyday

I get it; you get busy. You forget. Instagram is far more interesting than your bible. Sometimes it’s just not possible to fit in bible time. And that’s okay. Our God is not a legalistic overbearing “you need to do this or I will fail to forgive you” kind of god. He is an understanding, loving sort of god. He understands that you are only human, and that you mess up. If you didn’t get your bible time in today, please don’t feel guilty or hate yourself. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. There’s always tomorrow ❤

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Thank you so so much for reading! *Hugs* If you enjoyed this post, don’t forget to like, follow, and leave a comment. I hope you have a wonderful day ❤ Stay focused on Christ!

What does your bible time look like? Let me know in the comments below (:

/ Ad Gloriam Dei /