trigger warnings for suicide, self harm, grief, and loss of a pet
wow, friends. just…wow. there’s 9 days left in the year, and yet it feels like it’s still july. but somehow it’s almost christmas?? and i’m turning 16 in less than a month?? goodness, this year went by fast.
whenever i reflect upon this past year, i feel like crying. God has been so good, and never has there been a year where i’ve been more aware of His faithfulness, of His goodness, of His very character. i…if He wasn’t good, i likely wouldn’t still be here today. the fact that i’m still here is proof of His goodness.
you see, i made myself a promise at the end of 2021.
i told myself that i would commit suicide if things didn’t get better by summer.
but quite frankly, i wasn’t sure if i could wait that long.
i wasn’t sure if i could hold on for that long.
i was struggling worse than i’d ever struggled before. my ocd was intense, and i didn’t know it was ocd. i thought my intrusive thoughts were true. i thought i was a bad person. i hated myself with a fierce passion, a passion that i hope no one ever has to experience.
friends, this was a dark space. i was living a nightmare. i didn’t think things could get worse.
and then one of the members of ydubs, thomas, committed suicide. that was the final straw,,, the thing that pushed me over the edge. suicide felt tangible and almost….. like an option in a way it had never been before.
but even there, even in the darkest moments, God was still there. and He was still good. He was still holding me in His arms, keeping me safe from myself.
so here, friends, here is a glimpse into the hardest and yet most beautiful year of my life. it’s a difficult task to try to capture an entire year in a list of moments, but i’m gonna try.
january
- my 15th birthday happened, although it was overshadowed by a mental breakdown. that was… definitely one of my less enjoyable birthdays.
- i discovered that i was a pantser XD suddenly everything i knew about myself was flipped on its head by this revelation. figuring this out has been so beneficial for my writing in the long run 💛
- i found out that one of my friends from ydubs had a connection to someone i know in real life (:
- i tried to read les mis, but gave up very quickly ahahahaa
february
- i learned what it looks like when librarians form a search party for a missing child *facepalm* long story short, i thought my little sister was missing and the librarians greatly overreacted. that was- an experience to say the least. the worst part of it all was that she was safely waiting in the car for me the entire time.
- i went to an online valentines day dance with a boy i liked at the time
- me and my entire family became wordle addicts 😂
- one of my close friends lost a family member…. that was…. difficult. it was the first time he’d been fully vulnerable with me, and my heart broke for him.
- i tried taking a ballet class, and ended up dropping out after almost passing out
- i bought a few gorgeous vintage dresses from thredup
- thomas committed suicide
- i learned what grief felt like, despite not knowing thomas very well
march
- i watched the new west side story and l o v e d it so much (although it was fairly triggering and i ended up skipping like half the movie *shrugs*)
- as spring was awakened, i fell back in love with life
- there was plenty of debating about whether or not to get a pixie cut again
- self harming became a….. *shaky sigh* problem
- my sister’s best friend who lives all the way across the country came to visit us, and brought her whole family, so that was very fun (and chaotic)
- i uhm- decided to take a selfie on some rocks that were very high up, and almost fell *facedesk*
- i tried out boba for the first time (:
april
- i fell in love with watercolors
- easter happened, and it was so so sweet and lovely. easter is my favorite holiday 🙃
- i became o b s e s s e d with reading my bible on the front porch
- oh yes, gardening. i gardened a lot in april.
- i got baptized, and it was one of the best days of the year
- honestly, not a lot happened in april. it was just a really good (uneventful) mental health month 💛
may
- my parents put a deposit on a service dog puppy (sushi) 😄
- i got bangs, which i loved so much (i miss my longer hair *cri*)
- the lunar chronicles became my hyperfixation
- i put a thing for people to write things they’re thankful for on the little free library, and there were so many sweet replies ❤
- we got a kitten, who my sister named mochi *is almost crying now* more on her later
- i watched my first ghibli film, and loved it so much
- i also watched the hunchback of notre dame and became obsessed
june
- i found out that one of my closest guy friends liked me, and we began a sorta…. unlabeled relationship thing. i’m not even sure what it was, but at the time it was really fun. although….. erm…. it didn’t last (iykyk)
- my dad and i did a very fun summer photoshoot
- i took a million photos of the sky, because it was just so stinking prettyyyyy
- i attended joni & friends with my family, and ended up running into someone from ydubs there XD
- one of my close ydubs friends lost her little brother, and that was…. hard to understand why God let that happen 💔 according to spotify, i listened to jason grey’s ‘remind me you’re here’ song 22 times that day (i think it was 22 times anyways…… i don’t fully remember)
july
- i made the choice to start compiling a poetry collection, which eventually turned into the refiner’s fire
- mochi passed away, due to a birth defect we didn’t know about until it was too late
- i cut off all my hair into a pixie cut
- i met tiny 6 week old sushi and he fell asleep in my arms 🥺
- my sister bought me a copy of the summer i turned pretty because i couldn’t find it anywhere, which was so sweet of her. i had so much fun annotating it 💛
august
- i discovered ‘son’ by sleeping at last, and just….. it hit me really hard </3
- i got sushi!! he was so tiny and cuteeee dbsjfvjdsvf
- i started my sophomore year of high school, which is super exciting 💛
- most of august was spent training sushi and getting used to life with him
september
- queen elizabeth died 💔
- i discovered the concept of van life, and became obsessed with it. i’m hoping to try van life once i turn 18
- i rediscovered vbs songs, and enjoyed stim dancing to them haha
- i finally labeled my health stuff as POTS, and that was….. really nice to have a name for what i live with one a daily basis
- i made myself a prayer wall, maybe i’ll show you guys a tour of it later (:
october
- my sister got a new kitten, named dumpling. she’s a ragdoll cat and is so floofy and cute 💛
- i contacted my little brothers’ favorite music group, the wiggles, about making a special video for my brothers, and they actually made one and it was so cute 🥰
- i did a mini photoshoot and i’m so proud of how it came out
- taylor swift’s midnights album came out, and that was the end of my taylor swift obsession *facepalm* imsosorrytoanyonewhosataylorswiftfan
november
- sushi and i snuggled a lot 💛
- sushi had his first official service dog training session !! he did amazing and i’m so proud of him
- i got my hair cut super short
- i also discovered crocheting, and it’s now one of my hyperfixations
december
- i published the refiner’s fire, and it was…. very exciting
- sushi got neutered, and looked so funny oh my word-
- sushi got to go to a christmas tree farm (:
- i watched les mis for the first time, and now it’s one of my favorite movies
so, friends, that’s my year summed up in a collection of memories. it’s been a painful year, filled with countless tears, but also filled with laughter and joy. God has been so good this year, and i… while it’s been painful, i’m thankful that this year happened. it was a year filled with growing, a year that the Lord used for His glory.
i can’t wait to see what He does with 2023 💛
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how was your 2022? how have you seen God working in your life? let me know in the comments below!
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